Note: The following entry is my submission to the First Annual Boring Blog Post Contest, started by my friend Shawn. His riveting tale of buying socks can be found here.
To me, selecting just the right toilet paper to put in my bathroom is of tantamount importance. When one goes to the store to acquire such toiletries, one is faced with a plethora of choices. Therefore, it is highly important to judge each kind of toilet paper with a strict set of criteria that are already set in place before going to the store.
The first quality that I look for in toilet paper is softness. For example, I prefer toilet paper that is soft enough not to chafe my sensitive posterior whilst wiping, but I don't want toilet paper that is so soft that crumbles when I use it, or toilet paper that has the greasy feel of facial tissues that are infused with lotion so that they are kinder to one's nose. Quilted Northern and Scott brand toilet papers are a bit too abrasive for my standards, but I find that Charmin is a bit too soft (not to mention flimsy). Unfortunately, the softer a toilet paper is, the more expensive it usually is.
I also find that texture is an important aspect of an acceptable toilet paper. Along with softness, texture can make or break a toilet paper brand. Some toilet papers have very minimal texture, such as Scott brand toilet paper; there is no pattern or texture to be found on those very plain white sheets. Quilted Northern has a nice texture, but lacks the softness that I require. Charmin lacks both the texture and level of softness that I prize in toilet paper, so again, it does not make the grade.
Last but certainly not least, the sturdiness of a toilet paper is a crucial quality when choosing which package of toilet paper to take home to one's bathroom. I prefer a toilet paper that has a medium sturdiness. If a toilet paper is too flimsy (such as Quilted Northern), the force of wiping can often tear holes in the toilet paper, which leads to the unpleasant direct contact of hands on the derriere and possibly fecal matter. If a toilet paper is too sturdy, it often feels like one is wiping one's backside with paper towels, which is never pleasant (and it also poses a problem when attempting to flush one's foul business down the toilet). Most importantly, a toilet paper needs to be hardy enough to survive a bout of diarrhea, or, as I like to call it, the chunder down under. There is nothing worse than curling into the fetal position on the toilet after eating some ill-advised Mexican or Chinese food, filling the toilet with one's own special brew, and then, once the horrific episode is done, finding that the toilet paper one has selected does not rise to the task as expected. During these types of interludes, I find that it is sometimes best to use a wet wipe (really, any diaper wipe will do for this task) after using the regular toilet paper to get that just-showered clean that one really needs after a bout of the dreaded broiling Hershey squirts.
Considering all these stringent requirements, the only toilet paper that meets my impeccable standards would be Cottonelle brand toilet paper. Cottonelle toilet paper is soft, but not so soft that you feel like you're buttering your anus every time you wipe; it's also has a wonderful ribbed texture that gives one the feeling of complete cleanliness after using. Most importantly, the toilet paper is of just the right strength to withstand even the nastiest of bowel movements.
I hope this blog has been of some help or education for my faithful readers, for I would hate for anyone I know to make the mistake of selecting the wrong toilet paper; having the right toilet paper at the ready may be one of the most important decisions one will make in one's life.
To me, selecting just the right toilet paper to put in my bathroom is of tantamount importance. When one goes to the store to acquire such toiletries, one is faced with a plethora of choices. Therefore, it is highly important to judge each kind of toilet paper with a strict set of criteria that are already set in place before going to the store.
The first quality that I look for in toilet paper is softness. For example, I prefer toilet paper that is soft enough not to chafe my sensitive posterior whilst wiping, but I don't want toilet paper that is so soft that crumbles when I use it, or toilet paper that has the greasy feel of facial tissues that are infused with lotion so that they are kinder to one's nose. Quilted Northern and Scott brand toilet papers are a bit too abrasive for my standards, but I find that Charmin is a bit too soft (not to mention flimsy). Unfortunately, the softer a toilet paper is, the more expensive it usually is.
I also find that texture is an important aspect of an acceptable toilet paper. Along with softness, texture can make or break a toilet paper brand. Some toilet papers have very minimal texture, such as Scott brand toilet paper; there is no pattern or texture to be found on those very plain white sheets. Quilted Northern has a nice texture, but lacks the softness that I require. Charmin lacks both the texture and level of softness that I prize in toilet paper, so again, it does not make the grade.
Last but certainly not least, the sturdiness of a toilet paper is a crucial quality when choosing which package of toilet paper to take home to one's bathroom. I prefer a toilet paper that has a medium sturdiness. If a toilet paper is too flimsy (such as Quilted Northern), the force of wiping can often tear holes in the toilet paper, which leads to the unpleasant direct contact of hands on the derriere and possibly fecal matter. If a toilet paper is too sturdy, it often feels like one is wiping one's backside with paper towels, which is never pleasant (and it also poses a problem when attempting to flush one's foul business down the toilet). Most importantly, a toilet paper needs to be hardy enough to survive a bout of diarrhea, or, as I like to call it, the chunder down under. There is nothing worse than curling into the fetal position on the toilet after eating some ill-advised Mexican or Chinese food, filling the toilet with one's own special brew, and then, once the horrific episode is done, finding that the toilet paper one has selected does not rise to the task as expected. During these types of interludes, I find that it is sometimes best to use a wet wipe (really, any diaper wipe will do for this task) after using the regular toilet paper to get that just-showered clean that one really needs after a bout of the dreaded broiling Hershey squirts.
Considering all these stringent requirements, the only toilet paper that meets my impeccable standards would be Cottonelle brand toilet paper. Cottonelle toilet paper is soft, but not so soft that you feel like you're buttering your anus every time you wipe; it's also has a wonderful ribbed texture that gives one the feeling of complete cleanliness after using. Most importantly, the toilet paper is of just the right strength to withstand even the nastiest of bowel movements.
I hope this blog has been of some help or education for my faithful readers, for I would hate for anyone I know to make the mistake of selecting the wrong toilet paper; having the right toilet paper at the ready may be one of the most important decisions one will make in one's life.
As someone who never ever ever poops (Swear to God, the last time I bought TP was in SEPTEMBER of last year), I'm quite excited by this post. I was riveted by the harrowing Chunder from Down Under episode!!
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